I Never Expected to Be 40

I never thought, as a 10 year old, I would be nearly 40. I knew people were 40. Other people. But not me. Poor souls. And I kept thinking that until I turned 39.

I have realized that everyone who looks a “normal age” is always about your age. You start to think, looking in the mirror, “Hey that’s normal right?” When in reality you’re just getting old and we’re all pretending together.

I don’t feel older in my mind — I feel like 26 in my mind — but if I sleep weird my back hurts and it’s apparently permanent.

I see that by 40 every man has had to pick a lane: 1) dressing in athletic wear like they’re constantly ready for a round of golf, 2) dressing in the most comfortable clothes society allows in any setting, 3) dressing like the last cool year of their life, or 4) dressing like their dad. (I tried to choose #4 but my dad dresses too cool even in his 70s so now I’m lost.)

I have now seen an orthopedic a pain specialist a neurologist and a gastroenterologist. I have been scanned uncomfortably multiple times. And one of the greatest joys in life is talking about weird health problems and trying to one-up other people.

I have finally given up on finding matches to socks from 10 years ago. But whenever I go to throw them away I find the lost one. It works like a magic spell.

I have slowly and painfully come to a conclusion: there will always be dishes in the sink or dishwasher no matter how hard I try. Same with the dryer and laundry bins.

I have decided the shows I watched growing up are superior to all children’s entertainment today. And I can keep this opinion as long as I don’t actually try to watch them again.

I thought for the first 10 years of adulthood, “Wow, world and national events are crazy and all this is unprecedented!” And now I realize it’s all very precedented in that the world is crazy and will continue to be.

I have acquired strong opinions on all topics from best brand of razor blade to favorite grocery store to favorite brand of socks. These opinions are deeply held and will not change. The concrete has dried on them.

I wondered how adults stick with sports teams that lose year after year. The answer is that you’re too old and tired to pick a new one. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll get better. Except for the Dallas Cowboys. But …if maybe….Dak stays healthy….?

I wondered how dads learned to fix things growing up. Now I know how they acquire secret knowledge. Stuff breaks and you don’t want to pay a repairman, even when there’s water shooting out from the wall into your bathroom. It’s sheer glorious stubbornness.

I wondered before getting married how you could stay married to the same person for decades and not get bored or annoyed. The reality is that they’re not the same person. Neither are you. So each few years you have to rediscover them and date them and you fall for them again. And it’s better every time.

I finally understand why people say “where did the time go?” It’s not a cliche, it’s an honest question. The answer is: a thousand mundane moments you spent looking backward or forward. Life is mostly not big moments, it’s picking up toys and making coffee and looking for kid shoes. Whether life is good for you depends largely on whether you love and embrace those moments.

I have finally begun to feel the truth of Ecclesiastes:

Ecclesiastes 3:12–13 I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man. (ESV)

I have learned the particular joy of a meal of a leftovers while my family laughs.
I have learned the comforting sameness of my favorite coffee and my wife’s hug.
I have learned the unique joy of knowing there is work today and I will do my best and try again tomorrow.

I have, especially, learned that in being human and receiving it there is great peace. And that striving for God’s place brings only misery and restlessness. To him belong things eternal and stars and galaxies. To me belongs the sunset. And it is good and beautiful.